Facebook allows its users to send and receive messages with family and friends, as well as post a ‘status’ message, which tells others what you are doing / how you are feeling, or anything else you would like to share. You also have many other options such as, post and view other's photos, plan and manage events (ex. family BBQ's), join book, movie groups,(or any thing really), and share in the dessuction board. The list just goes on.

Many adults argue that communicating via internet messages isn’t really communicating.  Tell that to the millions of teens who use Facebook on a daily basis and feel that they are truly connecting with their friends via this social media tool.  Is Facebook the same as taking your teen for a cup of coffee and having a heart to heart?  No.  But is it a viable way to supplement the limited time you have with your grandchildren?  Yes!  They will feel that you are reaching out to them while you feel that you are staying abreast of what is happening in their life.

Follow these steps to get signed up for Facebook and get started cyber-connecting today!

Step One: Register!
Go to www.facebook.com.  On the main page you will be prompted to fill in your email address and information.  Once you have completed and submitted this form, you will need to check for your confirmation email.  In the confirmation email you will be provided with a link that you click on, which will bring up the Facebook log in page.  Log in using your email address and password.  You are ready to roll.

Step Two: Input your information.
The information on the first three pages is optional, and you can skip over entering your high school data, if you choose. 

Step Three: Find the people you want to connect with.
At the top of your screen you will see a blue bar.  Hover over the word friends and a drop down bar will appear.  In this drop down bar, you will see ‘Find Friends’.  Choose this option and you will be asked for your email address and password.  Facebook will then find any people whose email addresses you have on your email contact list. 

Trouble Shooting:
What to do if you can’t find someone.
Try talking with them and ask if they are on Facebook.  If they are and you haven’t found them, ask them to search you out.  What can take a newbie Facebook user a while to figure out can take veteran teens only seconds to find.  If you let your grandchildren know that you have signed up and want to ‘be friends’ (use the lingo!), you will likely find yourself responding to multiple ‘friend requests’.

Where do I confirm ‘friend requests’?
When you get a friend request, you will need to accept the request before the other person can message you.  This is very simple.  Log into your Facebook account.  On the blue bar at the top of your screen, click on the word ‘home’.  This will bring up your home page.  On the right side of this page, near the top, there is a header that says ‘Requests’.  Click on this and it will list all the ‘friend requests’ and ‘group invitations’ you receive.  Confirm that you want to be friends with these people and you are off to the races.

Ah, the number of times I’ve heard this question!  Over the course of my career, I’ve had parents and teens, couples and singles all questioning the need for counseling.  My response has varied and I would propose that reading through one of the books below as a couple might help to clear the air and increase communication.

That being said, we must realize that we humans have feelings that are illogical.  No matter how intelligent we are, once we are in a negative pattern of poor communication it can be difficult to improve our interactive skills without assistance.

Oftentimes, arguing and fighting can feel like running in circles.  This is because we are not sharing our needs and feelings in a way that our partner understands.  An objective outsider can help to break existing cycles and guide us in forming new patterns that will lead to better relationships.

Books our staff recommends:
The Five Love Languages 
Dr. Gary Chapman (www.fivelovelanguages.com)
Helps couples to understand how they communicate and what trigger words can shut down a conversation.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
Dr. John Gray (www.marsvenus.com)
Offers an in-depth look at the communication styles of men and women.

Marriage Fitness and Marriage 911
Dr. Mort Fertel (www.marriagemax.com)
Marriage 911 is a program designed specifically for marriages in crisis, due to infidelity, money conflicts, emotional neglect and the list goes on.

Relationship Rescue: A seven-step strategy for reconnecting with your partner
Dr. Phil McGraw (www.drphil.com)
Dr. Phil leads couples through practical activities that will help to refocus and reconnect with your partner.

Dos

1. Use the magic words. And avoid four letter words. People are drawn to positive people.
2. Make eye contact. If your eyes are wandering around the room, the person with whom you are talking will feel like you are bored and looking for someone more interesting to speak with.
3. Be aware of your body language. You may be crossing your arms because you are cold or shy, but it can be read that you are hostile or aloof!
4. Talk about politics or religion…but only if it’s appropriate! These topics that used to be taboo are acceptable, but it is entirely dependent on the conversationalists and the venue.
5. Be confident! You are a fabulous person with valuable things to share. Let those around you know it!

Don’ts

1. Don’t be shy! Initiate conversations by commenting on the things around you. For example: I’ve never been to this event before. Is it always so well attended?
   
2. Don’t forget to keep the conversation balanced. Make sure you ask the other person their opinion. Use questions to draw them out.
3. Don’t interrogate. Unless you are Barbara Walters, keep your questions light and casual.
4. Don’t interrupt. It is rude and unnecessary. Wait until the other person has finished their point and then share what you have to say.
5. Don’t worry. Everyone says stupid things from time to time. It is important to laugh it off and then keep chatting

We recommend a Movie-Night Gift Package, a gift that is sure to please even the most persnickety of youth. The premise of this present is that you include everything they need to have a fun movie night at home with their friends, which gives it a more personal feel then just giving gift certificates.

You include the snacks, drinks and free movie rental coupons, they choose which friends they want to invite and which movies they want to watch. You heave a sigh of relief at a difficult present enjoyed, and they have a fantastic night!

In a bag, box or basket include the following:

• Vouchers to a local video store for two, free, new-release movie rentals

• 3 bags of microwavable popcorn

• 6 cans of soda

• Candy (jelly beans, mini chocolate bars, gummi worms, etc)

** To give this gift an environmental twist, put the snacks and vouchers into an eco-friendly, reusable bag. Lulu Lemon offers tote bags with purchase, and most major retailers have a variety of reusable bags to choose from!

** Instead of candy, consider enclosing graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate for home made s’mores!

** Try including glow-in-the-dark sticks for extra fun.

Oftentimes during a fight, loved ones will dig into their arsenal of trigger phrases and hurtful memories and use them as weapons. Below is a clear formula and some practical tips to help break the cycle of poor communication and initiate conversations that can help repair years of damage. It may seem simple, but using this formula effectively can drastically and immediately improve communication.

Formula:

When you __________ I feel __________ because __________.

For example:

When you stay for an extra drink with your friends and pick me up later than we planned I feel that you value your friends over me because you are choosing your friends’ company over mine.

1. When you stay for an extra drink with your friends and pick me up later than we planned;

   • It is important to give a concrete example of the problem you are experiencing and limit yourself to one instance. This is an alternative to a statement such as, “You never pick me up on time”, or, “You obviously don’t care about me anymore.” These generalizations are not conducive to discussion as they are argumentative and close doors. Keep the discussion in the present and focus on behaviours that can be changed.

2. I feel that you value your friends over me;

   • Tell them how the situation makes you feel and how it affects you. When you are hearing your friend or partner use this formula, realize that you can’t change the way a situation makes someone feel, you can only work together to find a solution.

 

 

3. Because it feels as though you value your friends’ company over mine.
   
   

   • Articulate how the behaviour relates to your feelings, in your eyes.

There are many different solutions to the situation in this example and this doesn’t mean that the person who was having a drink with friends needs to stop being with their friends. Possible solutions could be planning to meet ½ hour later than usual so that no one is late or having one night per week that you don’t meet with friends before hand so that your time is exclusively spent together. The solution needs to be something that both people can live with and is fair to both partners.

Let us know how this tactic works for you! Email our Editor at marksl@magma.ca or use our online submission form.